I'm not afraid of my blog.

We started our adoption in September 2009. I immediately wanted to start a blog and track every move we made in this adoption - kind of like some women keep a pregnancy journal. Until recently all I have been able to do is stalk everyone elses blogs. I thought maybe I felt inadequate to keep a blog that would want people to keep coming back to read what I had to say, but then realized that's not the purpose of this blog - though followers would be nice :)

I have figured our where this fear is coming from. I have been holding myself back from getting too excited about bringing our daughter home. What if it doesn't happen?

Two years ago I was very excited about bringing our daughter home. I was pregnant with a healthy baby girl. I daydreamed about what she would look like; would she have my eyes; would she look like her older brother. The day I found out I was having a girl I ran to the closest Gymboree store and bought her whole wardrobe for her first six months of life; the cutest outfits I had ever seen. I was so excited.

I gave birth to Sophia Elaine and she was still. I never saw the color of her eyes. She did in fact look like her older, little brother. She never wore any of the clothes I bought her. I held her for a day before the funeral home came for her. My pastor held my hands, prayed and cried with me. God had different plans for Sophia.

A year and a half later I want to feel as if I'm 3 months pregnant (3 months on the waiting list as of July 22). I want it to feel real. I want to know I am going to bring this daughter home. I want to tell everyone "we're expecting!" What if it doesn't happen?

I have to get over it. All I have is today. And today I want to start sharing my excitement about this little girl I have been daydreaming about. I'm pretty sure she will have my eyes - they're brown.