Thirteen Months

Thirteen months yesterday waiting and twenty-one months since we started this adoption process. I have been all over the map with emotions during this roller coaster ride and today I feel like I'm at the tippy top of that coaster, teetering, feeling the pit in my stomach grow as I wait to plunge to the bottom. This is not a good feeling for me. I don't like roller coasters and am afraid of heights.

Three weeks ago I had an emotional breakdown of sorts and made a distress call to our caseworker; something I have not done through this whole process. I was heard, supported and encouraged to hang in. I felt good for awhile after that call, but that was 3 weeks ago. I can hang in; I've been hanging in. What I don't know is how I will hang in from the time of referral to coming home with her. There are so many unknowns - all the not-so-good emails - all the slowing-down changes - all the what-ifs. I've tapped into all my patience and strength reserves and struggling to find ways to fill those reserves back up.

I hope one day I will come back to this post, holding my daughter in my lap, and think "wow, those were crazy times" and hold her tight and tell her I'd do it all over again.