Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15 is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It's not that grieving parents need a special day to remind them of the day they miscarried, or the day their baby was born still, or the day their baby died of SIDS. This day is really about support, education and awareness. 

Next month will be three years since the worst day of my life.  There has not been one single day since then that I have not thought about my daughter Sophia. It's in the quiet moments of my day, usually in the shower or when I'm driving in the car alone. She's always right there in the front of my mind.

Support was very hard to find. People don't want to talk about your dead baby. Sounds horrible. It is. It's horrible to push when you're in labor knowing your baby was not going to give a little cry when she entered the world, knowing she was already gone. Or when the funeral director comes in and takes your baby away. Or when you have to pick out a 24 inch casket. And then when you get home there's the nursery door you have to walk by and wonder when you'll ever be ready to pack away all her things. And the emptiness you feel where just a day before you felt life. No one wants to talk about these things, except other moms who have gone through the same thing. We want to talk about our babies. We want hugs. We want not to feel so alone. It's so sad to want to find another mom who just lost her baby so you have someone to talk to about the pain that only another mom who just lost her baby could possibly understand.

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her cry at night,
When all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away,
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door.
I try to tell her
that angels protect me forever more.

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says,
no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

(by Kaye Des'Ormeaux)

She was never promised to me forever. Through the pain and tears I still thank God for the gift of Sophia. I got to hold her every second of her life.

Court Date!!

I can't believe it!  I just got another best call ever!  We have a court date!  November 21st!  We will meet our little girl in 6 weeks!!

I was not expecting to see 817 flash across my cell phone for many weeks.  And when I did see it my first reaction was confusion and then panic.  I was afraid to answer.  With courts still closed for rainy season I thought this must be about little B.  There must be something wrong.  I immediately asked if she was okay.  I was immediately told yes and that there was good news.  I was in the check out line at the supermarket and just started to cry and scream.  I think I jumped up and down a few times too.

One lady was so sweet; she came up to me and said she was so happy for me.  How sweet is that?

Ethiopia, here we come!

Our First Update on Little Sister

We received our first update yesterday! 

It seems Little Sister is a morning person - with a wake time of 5:30 am.  Yikes.  And she takes long afternoon naps - that's my girl.  Already dreaming about mid day snuggles with my little love.

Little Sister likes to eat everything!  Love that! 

And she's getting big.  Missing that :(

I am so hoping for a quick court date when rainy season ends. 

Our Summer (Lots of Pics!)

Cherry Crest Farms

Love to feed the animals here.

My husband knows how to have fun on the kiddie rides

Community Days

My baby was finally tall enough to go on this ride - so excited!

Knoebels Grove

Just a little wet from the flume ride.

You'd think he was on the super dooper looper - cracks me up!

Kutztown Fair

We watched her get sheared for the first time.

Homemade cornfritters hot off the grill.

New York City

Frank's old stompin' grounds

Check out the death grip I have on Koen.  This guy draped his python on us and said he only bites people that don't pay for a picture with him.  Gave him $10.

Tackling the crowds.

Spider Man on Broadway!

 Our taxi.  Our driver was from Africa - so nice - he stopped a pedestrian to take our picture.

 Koen and my godson in Times Square.

When in NYC one must take the subway at least once for fun - boys were excited to see a rat - yay.

Fourth of July Parade

Lots of Pool Fun

My boys.

Washington DC

Visiting big sister at her new apartment in DC.

Brother Cary, sister Kaylin and her boyfriend Scott having dinner at Das Ethiopian.

We don't like to just walk down the streets - it's not our way.  Besides - red bricks are hot lava.

Sorry Cary!

Costa Rica

Waiting for our taxi at 3 am to take us to DC airport - Costa Rica bound!

These guys were everywhere!

In honor of Mother's Day in Costa Rica I was given a glass of Baileys and chocolate cake!

Had breakfast with this guy.

Ziplining.  Took about 10 years off my mommy heart watching my baby fly through the forest.

Ceviche everyday - the best!

Pacific Ocean - so beautiful.

Crocodiles on the riverboat tour.

White faced monkeys.

This was not Koen's favorite.  He found it boring looking for wild monkeys.

Juice break!

Dinner on the beach.  They put that beautiful flower in my hair.

ATVs on the beaches and trails.  So beautiful.

Time to go home.  We'll be back Costa Rica!

Just Hanging Around

We had a wonderfully busy summer.  We are blessed.  

Another blessing - Frank's Aunt Jean.  Holocaust survivor, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, teacher, loved by so many.  Aunt Jean passed this summer at age 93.  We keep her in our memories, celebrate her life, and miss her.

Our Referral Call

I can't believe it has been a month since our referral call!  I love, love, love having her pictures everywhere, staring at her, daydreaming about the day we will meet.  Love it.

We waited one year, two months and 4 weeks for our referral.  I'm laughing as I type this because the wait just seems so crazy!  During our phone interview at the beginning of this adoption process we were told the average wait at the time was 4 months for our age range.  I never imagined all the changes that would take place over the next 15 months.

At this point in our wait every day I would say to myself "this is the day" and I'd also say "this is not the day - it's never the day".  I was in this emotional tug of war with myself; wanting to be excited to get the call but not wanting to be excited so I wouldn't be so devastated at the end of the day when the call didn't come.  I did this tug of war for about two months.  I stopped obsessing over my cell phone.  I stopped charging the camcorder.  I stopped carrying my laptop with me just in case I would have to go to the hospital to meet Frank.  I wanted to talk to people about how I was feeling but I didn't want to talk about it.  I was moving forward day to day but trapped inside this wait.

Wednesday morning, July 20, was like most other mornings.  I kissed Frank on his way out.  Read blogs over coffee.  I got dressed for the gym.  Koen and I had breakfast and watched cartoons.  I never made it to the gym and it was almost time for lunch and Koen was still in his pjs.  We just couldn't get ourselves ready for the day.

At 12:15 pm my cell phone rings.  I casually stroll over to pick it up NEVER expecting it to be the call.  And I see 817.  Poor Natalie.  I don't even think she got to say hello.  I screamed at her "Is this it!"  "Is this the call?"  And when I say screamed I mean screamed.  My excitement was uncontrollable.  Jumping, screaming, crying.  I could not believe it.  I look back at my phone log and see I was on the call for over 2 minutes with Natalie which means she listened to me scream "oh my gosh" for about 2 minutes.  I remember hearing her laugh.  I asked her 2 questions amidst all the screaming: when can Frank and I call you back? and how old is she?

I really had a hard time collecting myself.  I had to call Frank!  I had to get dressed!  I had to get the camcorder!  I had to get Koen dressed!  But I couldn't stop screaming and jumping up and down, and crying, thanking God over and over.  Koen was so excited too.  He kept saying "we're so proud right mommy?"  So stinking sweet.

I called Frank.  Voice mail - No!  I called back - voice mail again!  I paged him 911.  Koen and I ran upstairs to get dressed.  I grabbed my cell and house phone and called my best friend Karen - voice mail!  I was losing my mind.  She called me right back.  I screamed at her we were getting the call and I needed to get dressed but couldn't do it.  I must have been a crazy site.  Frank calls back and I scream some more - he has to come home right now and I tell him our little girl is 19 months old.  He screams back "I'm coming!"  Thankfully, it was his half day.  He was supposed to be heading to a dentist appointment so in the middle of all this excitement I had to find the phone number for the dentist and scream at them that he's not coming because we are "getting the call!"  I'm sure they thought I was a crazy person. 

I finally managed to get myself and Koen dressed, find the camcorder and set it up, and wait for Frank to get home.  This all happened in about 13 minutes.  A wonderful, crazy 13 minutes.  One might equate my excitement with someone who just won a 246 billion dollar lottery, but it was so much better than that.  I was about to see my little girl and this moment was priceless; a moment I was only able to dream about until now.

As soon as Frank got home I called Natalie and got her voice mail - NO!  A little more screaming.  She called back within a few minutes and we were ready.  I kept hitting the refresh button willing her email to come through quickly.

The most beautiful face filled the computer screen.  Tears flowed.  In that instant the grueling 15 month wait disappeared, like it never even happened.  We had 25 beautiful pictures of our little girl.  When we heard her name for the first time we loved it.  When we heard the meaning of her name we cried.  Redemption. 

This little girl was chosen for us and us for her.  Of this I have no doubt.  The day our daughter Sophia was born still, already an angel in heaven, my pastor cried with me and told me I may never understand why but I needed to accept that this was God's plan for her.  His plan for me - 2 years and 10 months later - a beautiful little girl half way around the world.  A little girl whose name means rebirth, rescue, atonement.  Tears. Big tears. 

Natalie asked if we would like more time to look over all the detailed paperwork.  No!  We accepted the referral right then.  We knew what we needed to know.  We were meant to be.

We spent the next few hours calling everyone we knew to share the best news ever.  We ran to Target to print out all her pictures and buy brag books to place them in; so excited to show off the newest Politzer.  We celebrated with dinner at Addissu - our favorite Ethiopian restaurant.

So a month later and we are staring at her pictures, daydreaming about the day we will meet her.  She is already so much a part of our lives.  Koen asks almost every day "can we go get little sister today?"  Soon.  I hope soon.

I hope to share the video we took receiving our referral.  I am not sure how to upload a video and I need to mute a few things you can hear Natalie say about little B.  It's a must-see video.  I look like a mess, lots of tears, Koen is all over the place, a definite must-see :)

I Saw Her Brown Eyes!

We got the call!!

She is beautiful - absolutely beautiful.  She is 19 months old.  We'll call her B until the day we can share her with the world.

I just can't find the words for anything right now!  I'll share more later when I'm finished pinching myself!

How Cute Is He?

We have been keeping super busy lately and I have tons of pictures and stories to share but short on time to put it all together.  But I just HAD to share this picture now. 

How cute is he?  I love this little bug so much I can hardly stand it - I mean the kind of love where you can feel your heart swell - the kind of love that you can't even find the words to describe.



Stinking cute right?